The Inner Sanctum

I’m going on two weeks with this “quitting weed” thing. I’ve been rather irritable. Other than that…I’m good…I feel like a lab rat lol.

It seems that I’m finally feeling the effect of karma. I decide that I only want her and she has already moved on. She’s playing the same game with me that I played with her. I realized this after a 1am two-second conversation and an “I’ll call you back.” These are the times that I need to record a plethora of thoughts that you may call songs, but THAT outlet has been discontinued for the time being. What’s worse than pain is being inspired by that pain and having no outlet to properly express what’s swimming around in your head. I drown myself in meaningless things, hoping they will distract me from reality. The highest point in my life (thus far) have been the darkest days for me. I think I can finally appreciate a love song. That’s funny because I’ve loathed them for so long. I’ll convince myself soon enough that I’ll be fine. That’s the saddest lie that I’ll have to bring myself to tell. Let honesty excuse my betrayal.

These are sad times…I’m watching Jersey Shore for the 1st time and I’m ashamed.

Perception is judgement. Judgement is perception.

So, as this load of snow reduces me to a weekend hermit crab, I can’t help but think about this test I have to take. You see…I’ve pretty much made my mind up about joining the Air Force. I have to take a placement test (sort of) before they can find my job. I already know they’re going to try to swindle me into some low grade job that nobody wants to do, but I won’t budge. I have my heart/mind set on “Missile and Space Systems Electronics.” Basically, I would be fixing things on the site where missles and spaceships are launched. I would only work 12 days out of the month. The worst thing the Air Force can do is make me wait until there’s an opening for that job (6-9 months). They’ll try to persuade me to take another job because of the expedience. I’m not dumb. After they find my job, my new life begins. Basic training followed by Tech School. That will be a good 8 months of my life. THEN, I can start my job. I’ll have to serve 2 years before I can move off base. I surely do plan on getting OUT after those 2 years and I’ll get a civilian job. By then I’ll have a house and enough money where I don’t have to worry about bills and whatnot. I’m waiting for SOMETHING to go wrong, though. There’s always that one thing that messes everything up. We’ll see. I’ll go back to watching “Rugrats in Paris” because I have nothing better to do lol.

"You shoulda been here to kick it with me. We coulda split this whole thing up 50/50."

~Drake

A random late night phone call gets met with “you’re up to something.” I guess I bring that upon myself though lol. It’s normal for one to not know the extent of your feelings towards them when you constantly insist on making them believe they’re never thought of. These are the things I think about while waiting for tomorrow to come; Waiting for this harmless blizzard. “Snow storms” and “more than one female in my life” would make a good analogy. I used to love having them when I was younger, but now it’s just an inconvenience. I’ve changed a great deal. I’m leaving a lot of a foolishness in the past, but if I leave everybody behind, who will be left to notice my growth. Oh well. My mind is running a race that my sanity can’t keep up with. I have mild insomnia because suppressing my thoughts is like putting to sleep a lion lol. It’s 6:11am. Everything is quiet, but my thoughts are loud as ever. I need to try to get some sleep. Ard Tumblr.

I see smiling faces behind a veil of confusion.

My shades darken my view if I use them…

Cynical

I see lies masked with the face of adversity.

It’s adverse to me how I see through it but still do it.

Naive

I see women with invisible scars

I’ve met many broads abroad and so far they all star in a series of drama i’ve yet to
cancel.

The Good Guy

I see death around every corner. Opportunity eludes me…

So, I stand unmoved. Waiting for the life of Opportunity to include me.

Fear of Success

I see my own faults as they mock me and grow to spite me

I see the one that, every night, triggers her night vision and make it her life mission to view this person that I MIGHT be.

I see past my past. I see my feet cemented in the present. I see the future approaching, but I can’t see what it entails.

I lift trails left behind from the ground onto a cloud.

I will create my own path until I reach that cloud.

Until time defeats that sound of my heart pumping life through the veins of visionary….

I’ll see for myself.

I waste too much energy trying to make sure (insert random girl name here) doesn’t think I care too much. Care about what, you ask? Any and everything. I’ve admitted this and I still can’t bring myself to do anything about it. I’m stuck.

The decisions that could have the most impact on my life are the ones I take the longest to make. “To fail can cut deep, but the wait can really kill it”

This video scares the life out of me. I REALLY am afraid to watch it. (I’ve seen it once)